- Da past
- April 2nd, 2010
I knew it!!! When I start feeling anxious about him, he calls. We have always had a connection I cant explain. Its exhausting. We've been friends with benefits for 11 years and although we have feelings for each other, it could never be. Or he always said. Fuck it; I know its just cuz he's addicted to me and I'm addicted to him. I was there no matter what, the person that brought him to another place when things got chaotic in his life. I couldnt be that anymore, I needed to move on. So, I got married; thinking that would help. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love my husband and I first saw him, the first thought that came into my mind was "hes going to be my husband." OMG i thought, how could that be I was strung out for someone else, I couldnt never leave him even when his a dick. Well couple months later we exchanged numbers and come to find out, he had told his friend before we met that I was going to be his wife. I had a dream about him about 1 year before. Funny, I didnt even know him. Yes, Im in love with him but a different kind of love. I love L with a different kind of love. I was 17 going on 18 when I first met him and althought I had lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, he was my second and I had much more love for him than I've ever known. I dont know why? I know I depend on him emotionally, I shouldnt anymore because I've got someone, but he was the to go guy when I had break downs and let me tell you no matter what. He was always there! He pushed me to be something more in my life. Always believing in me, when I didnt believe in my self. I guess we used each other in different ways but ultimately we were for each other when others were not. It's been 11 years and 12 in Aug, how can you let such a great friend go. I want to keep him as a friend because he knows me better than anyone knows me and even better than I know my self. He surely keeps me grounded when I freak! When I need to talk, he's quick to listen and never says no. Although I notice'd since I've been a bitch with him and ignored him more than once, he wants me more. Damn it; I shouldn have done that when I was single. Even if we would have made it official, he has a scary life style that I left behind. I can't be part of that anymore. I cant be bonny. I need to be me, for my reason's and not anyone else's. I will always love him and he will always have my heart, but I cant help but wonder when will all this end. Probably never! I dont understand, why we feel so connected. Maybe its just me. But how can I ignore, the life we have in my dreams. I dream of him constantly, It's overwhelming how much he's in my head. I dream of him, I think of him and I love him. DAMN IT!!!! I mean really, I get feelings of when hes going to call and I place my phone on vibrate which I dont do at all unless I get the feeling and sure enough, He calls. I start feeling anxious and nervous for GOD only knows what reason's and come to see, he ends up calling me. When I used to be single, we would hang out at the same club. I would be there before him and when he walked in my heart would start to beat out of my chest and I didnt have to turn around to know he had just walked in. Weird, life is weird!!! Im trying to make a great life with my husband and I'm scared that It will end because of him. I cant see my self without my husband and i cant see my self without L. What a struggle. Im trying to have a family. I let him go once because he aske'd me to but he cant seem to that for me. He always ends up calling either way. We almost had a child together and now that I'm having a hard trying conceiving I cant help to blame him for what I did. I hate my self for it, and I hate everyone else for it. Although - i dont know where I would have been. Probably, single with his kid, still creeping at night. Fuck that, I decerve better than that. He said once that yes he was jeoulous but he wasnt man enough to step up to the plate. Fuck that he just wants a good butty call, and since we've seen each other for so many years we have great sexual chemistry no DOUBT!!!!!! da best eva!!!! Im in a crossroads!!