(no subject)
sxy1whoop
I've been staying low lately. It's raining and I wish I was home..

ummmmmm
sxy1whoop

Saw E. last night and it was awesome. I love seeing him although I shouldn't. We have our ups and down but damn we have great chemistry!!!! NO DOUBT!!!!



Bussy
sxy1whoop
Well I posted my last draft. It's ok, I think I might have been drinking...lol... Well among those nights I tried texting E and his number was disconnected..WHOOPWHOOP. Im kind of happy & sad, but more so happy because I dont have the chance to give into temptation. Although I miss him often. Right now I'am way too bussy and will be for next 3 months. Once I'm done with school, Im a FREE woman, I can't wait!! Finally I will be able to concetrate on my self. Im so tired today, school is really kicking my ass this summer. oh well "almost done," "almost done."

(no subject)
sxy1whoop
I find my self thinking of that person that keeps on tempting me
I cant let go and everynight I used to sit up at night crying, hoping he would call
but now im married and not at the same life but i cant seem to let you go no matter how hard i try
when will you realize you were ment to be with me and I was supposed to be with you
how can we have lived so long and not be together, its inhumaine...

opps i did it again
sxy1whoop

I had a great night with my girl on Sat., we went out had a couple of drinks and I had a blast. Of coarse on my way home I heard lady antabellum (how ever you speel it), I got inspired and I called E, yes I went over. Damn me! We made love. We make such good love. The kind that makes you laugh, smile and makes you yearn for more after. I should have known better. All I do now is think about him. Thats why I didnt want to see him again, I have to say music stears my life. When I hear a song and it spires me to do things I wouldn't other wise do. I love it though! Is that wrong? Yeah, probably but music is my life and music stears my life. GOD, help me......



Somewhat relieved
sxy1whoop
So E. called me yesterday after I have been somewhat ignoring his text's. I just can't handle this anymore. We made our decision's and we have to move on. I can't keep hurting myself, I can't keep living in the "WHAT IF," fantasy. I have to move on. He called yesterday while I was at work and yes I answered. All I could do was take a big breath. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I began to shake. I cant' believe this man still makes me feel the way he does after 11 1/2 years. Well, he wanted to know why I wouldn't see him. He stating the he's "moving," we shall see. I explained to him how I can't keep doing this to my self. I hold on to every word and every moment with him like its my last breath and then I find myself dreaming of him always. Its an OBSESSION, I TELL YOU, maybe an ADDICTION, which ever it is. Its bigger than BOTH OF US, THATS FOR SURE. Well, I almost cried, but I have to say I held my composure very well and stood my ground and said what I needed to. He said that he still didnt understand why I wouldn't want to see him, he figured I would want to see him at least one more time. I told him theres no way he will understand because he's a man. I love him more than he will ever love me, and I have realized although I can't be with him. I can't be with him either. What a life. I wonder if he will ever realize everything he truly is to me and how happy he could have been with me. OH WELL!! I will always love him though. He is and will always be my ONE TRUE LOVE.  I met him as a young lady and became a woman by his side. What a life we have lived. I will NEVER TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD, OR WILL I EVER REGRET IT BECAUSE IT WAS THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE (MINUS THE CRYING OF COARSE)...LOL
XOXO
E

Damn
sxy1whoop
I had to fire someone today. That sucks!!! Why is it, when you put your hope in someone they let you down. You give them chances and they just take them for granted. I never thought I would care as much as I did. I mean, they took your kindness and took it for granted. Oh well, I guess its ok. I never really wanted this person to work with us, but I was hoping she would prove me and others wrong. So many chances and for what? I guess you only hope people would take the right path and do something with the chances they have been given. Oh well. I had to work hard to get where I'am at, so its hard to understand when people get jobs handed to them and they fuck it up. Damn it, grow up nothing in life can be handed to you. You have to struggle and even though its hard at times, I did and came out a different and stronger person because of it.
XOXO
E


(no subject)
sxy1whoop
S

ahhhh
sxy1whoop
Of-coarse E. keeps texting me. I can't see him and he doesn't understand that. Do I want to see him? YES!!!! But I can't. Im trying to make a family and he chose not to be a part of that. Sorry, for having the greatest golden power...LOL. He needs to leave me alone. Everytime he calls though I start getting butterflies and feeling anxious. After 11 years it still amazes me how he moves my soul.
xoxo
E


Da past
sxy1whoop

I knew it!!! When I start feeling anxious about him, he calls. We have always had a connection I cant explain. Its exhausting. We've been friends with benefits for 11 years and although we have feelings for each other, it could never be. Or he always said. Fuck it; I know its just cuz he's addicted to me and I'm addicted to him. I was there no matter what, the person that brought him to another place when things got chaotic in his life. I couldnt be that anymore, I needed to move on. So, I got married; thinking that would help. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love my husband and I first saw him, the first thought that came into my mind was "hes going to be my husband." OMG i thought, how could that be I was strung out for someone else, I couldnt never leave him even when his a dick. Well couple months later we exchanged numbers and come to find out, he had told his friend before we met that I was going to be his wife. I had a dream about him about 1 year before. Funny, I didnt even know him. Yes, Im in love with him but a different kind of love. I love L with a different kind of love. I was 17 going on 18 when I first met him and althought I had lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, he was my second and I had much more love for him than I've ever known. I dont know why? I know I depend on him emotionally, I shouldnt anymore because I've got someone, but he was the to go guy when I had break downs and let me tell you no matter what. He was always there! He pushed me to be something more in my life. Always believing in me, when I didnt believe in my self. I guess we used each other in different ways but ultimately we were for each other when others were not. It's been 11 years and 12 in Aug, how can you let such a great friend go. I want to keep him as a friend because he knows me better than anyone knows me and even better than I know my self. He surely keeps me grounded when I freak! When I need to talk, he's quick to listen and never says no. Although I notice'd since I've been a bitch with him and ignored him more than once, he wants me more. Damn it; I shouldn have done that when I was single. Even if we would have made it official, he has a scary life style that I left behind. I can't be part of that anymore. I cant be bonny. I need to be me, for my reason's and not anyone else's. I will always love him and he will always have my heart, but I cant help but wonder when will all this end. Probably never! I dont understand, why we feel so connected. Maybe its just me. But how can I ignore, the life we have in my dreams. I dream of him constantly, It's overwhelming how much he's in my head. I dream of him, I think of him and I love him. DAMN IT!!!! I mean really, I get feelings of when hes going to call and I place my phone on vibrate which I dont do at all unless I get the feeling and sure enough, He calls. I start feeling anxious and nervous for GOD only knows what reason's and come to see, he ends up calling me. When I used to be single, we would hang out at the same club. I would be there before him and when he walked in my heart would start to beat out of my chest and I didnt have to turn around to know he had just walked in. Weird, life is weird!!! Im trying to make a great life with my husband and I'm scared that It will end because of him. I cant see my self without my husband and i cant see my self without L. What a struggle. Im trying to have a family. I let him go once because he aske'd me to but he cant seem to that for me. He always ends up calling either way. We almost had a child together and now that I'm having a hard trying conceiving I cant help to blame him for what I did. I hate my self for it, and I hate everyone else for it. Although - i dont know where I would have been. Probably, single with his kid, still creeping at night. Fuck that, I decerve better than that. He said once that yes he was jeoulous but he wasnt man enough to step up to the plate. Fuck that he just wants a good butty call, and since we've seen each other for so many years we have great sexual chemistry no DOUBT!!!!!! da best eva!!!! Im in a crossroads!!
XOXO
E


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